I am appreciative that I do have something to lose. I have a LOT to lose. And I don't want to lose the things in my life that I value and have worked hard for - - my husband, my family, my house, our savings account.
So I guess that is the chosen reason that I am not able to do what I want. I can't just leave my current job. I can't just quit. And it's not my fault. It's the fault of the great things in my life that I don't want to let down or lose or risk.
Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous.
The last few days have given rise to a new and weird desire. I want to crawl under a rock. I want to escape my own thoughts and my own mind and just be some place where things don't matter so much.
I'm tired.
Yesterday morning, as I was running late for a meeting and had diarrhea on my shirt (antibiotics for the littlest member in my family have all sorts of fun surprises) I turned up the radio as loud as I possibly could. I didn't want talk radio, I wanted music. LOUD MUSIC. So loud that I couldn't think.
UGGHHH. Get me outta here, please. Someone.
I know there is so much more to life than this mediocre career that I'm in. But I'm afraid.
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