When Frustration Mounts...

...it completely sucks!

I am at the point now (MONTHS after my last post on here) where I keep asking myself ... "If it hasn't happened yet...WHEN?  And WILL IT happen at all?"

Still at my current sales job and more unmotivated than ever.  

I did the budget analysis this weekend (I kept putting that off because I think that I secretly knew how depressing it would be) and saw that I really need to bring in a LOT of moolah each month.  Way more than I can even imagine making right now.  

It's been almost two years since I chose a name for the company and have been moving forward...and I wonder if I've been moving forward or just running in circles over and over and over again.

UGH.

UGGHHH

Ok, so I stepped out of my comfort zone and partnered with a colleague to offer a Career Group Coaching Bootcamp.  Then no one signed up so we decided to offer a free 30 minute teleconference leading up to it...and we had 3 people sign up.  Awesome, right?  Not really.  No one showed up so my colleague and I had an opportunity to catch up on the conference call line at the time the call was scheduled for.

Yes, it's all about perspective and I know there are valuable learnings in this.  How did we market it?  Did we sabotage ourselves by not charging anything? What title may have been more enticing? Blah, blah, blah. 

I feel like I've arrived at my target client and what I offer to clients:  I empower entrepreneurs to overcome the doubt and overwhelm so that they can spend their time doing what they LOVE and achieve amazing results. 

I was doing OK and believing in myself and then a friend (well, a facebook friend) made this comment after I shared my niche with him: "How do you teach entrepreneurs how to be successful if you haven't achieved it yourself? Let me explain.... there are so many life coaches, coaches of this and that and so many of these coaches have yet to experience what they are offering... My concerns are great when I m aked to share my team mates with those wanting to offer service or products so...nothing personal..."

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Is this for real or am I just wasting my time chasing butterflies and spending money on something that will never come to fruition?

Stuck Under a Rock Or Something Like That

I am appreciative that I do have something to lose.  I have a LOT to lose.  And I don't want to lose the things in my life that I value and have worked hard for - - my husband, my family, my house, our savings account. 

So I guess that is the chosen reason that I am not able to do what I want.  I can't just leave my current job.  I can't just quit.  And it's not my fault.  It's the fault of the great things in my life that I don't want to let down or lose or risk. 

Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous. 

The last few days have given rise to a new and weird desire.  I want to crawl under a rock.  I want to escape my own thoughts and my own mind and just be some place where things don't matter so much.

I'm tired. 

Yesterday morning, as I was running late for a meeting and had diarrhea on my shirt (antibiotics for the littlest member in my family have all sorts of fun surprises) I turned up the radio as loud as I possibly could.  I didn't want talk radio, I wanted music.  LOUD MUSIC.  So loud that I couldn't think. 

UGGHHH.  Get me outta here, please.  Someone. 

I know there is so much more to life than this mediocre career that I'm in.  But I'm afraid. 

Still Here

I'm sitting in a Starbucks right now, looking out on the dreary weather.  Rain, rain, go away.  I'm trying to be motivated but it's not working.  Maybe my latte will kick in and do the trick for me.

I see people outside walking their dogs and I find myself longing to be at home walking my own dog.  Owning my day and working on my terms.  Helping others and partnering together to create a better world, or at least a brighter piece of their world. 

I am struggling to best define my niche for my business.  My side-business-that-I-want-to-make-a-full-time-business.  I am going back and forth and back and forth between focusing my efforts on entrepreneurs, mompreneurs, or the person trying to escape the corporate hell that I'm currently in and work for themself.  Are these niches too small?  Too specific?  Or are they just what I need?  Ugghhh.  Why won't someone just tell me the right answer?

Found out yesterday, via a press release, that my real-world employer is having difficulties.  A patent on one of my company's flagship products isn't being protected by the FDA or maybe it's my company trying to unjustly extend the patent life to ensure the company remains viable.  I give it 6 months, max, til we (sales representatives) are laid off. And that should be a no-brainer for me to look at this as a great opportunity to save up as much as I can, work on building my business, but it's like I'm trying to walk through mud.  Progress is being made but at a very slow process.  And my mental nemesis is always at work telling me that I can't, I shouldn't, I won't and to play it safe. 

He has valid points but I know he's trying to keep me from danger.  And danger isn't always bad.  In fact, the danger, excitement, and adrennaline that pumps through me when I think about fully owning this and running 150% forward is quite refreshing. 

My coach is really helping me by giving me the support and championing that I need.  Without her, I am confident that I would have given up long ago. 

So where am I?  I'm still here. 

And It Begins. Please join me.

December 12 2012

Ok, so here I am.  I’m in my company car sitting in a parking lot looking out onto two lanes of traffic.  I inhaled my lunch from Dunkin Donuts and now I’m sipping on my sugar free latte.  (Big sigh).

I’m on this mission to create a business.  MY business.  A coaching business to help other people who are in similar situation to me, to boldly step out and claim a more fulfilling work life.  Only, I know that I need to do it first.  And, in my own defense, I’m working on it.  I’m just not there yet. 

You see, there is this money thing and this voice-in-my-head thing and this fear thing that are keeping me in my place.  I recognize them for what they are and I’m battling with them everyday. 

The quick scoop on where I am (besides being in a parking lot):  I am in pharmaceutical sales.  I have a great job.  I paused when I typed that because it came out automatically…but wasn’t authentic.  I have a great job for some people.  Good benefits, good pay, company car, flexibility of a sales job, yadayadayada.   

This is where the voice-in-my-head thing comes in.  It tells me that I should be happy for what I have.  I should be grateful to have a job in this economy.  I should, I should, I should…but I’m not.  I’m not motivated, I’m not fulfilled and this is no longer a job that fulfills me.  But…it is a steady paycheck.

So, this is where the money thing comes in:  I sort-of need it.  We just bought a new house, have two beautiful and amazing kids, a super smart pooch, and while my husband has a good job, his income alone is not enough to sustain us for an extended period of time.  And we already took a lot out of savings to put a down payment on our house (the house we hope to stay in for the rest of our lives, so the mortgage isn’t exactly cheap).  I have some income from the coaching clients that I’ve maintained through my training (I was required to have 5 paying clients throughout the certification process) but when you total it all up, it would probably pay for two weeks of my son’s school each month. 

I feel like I need a process.  I need to master this and work for myself.  I love thinking about a future where I’m partnering with individuals to help them do what I’m afraid to do right now.  Take a huge leap into a bigger ME. 

And as a coach, I completely understand the importance of focusing on what I want in the future.  Who I need to be, what I need to do to get there, and how I’ll feel when I accomplish it.  And, believe me when I say this:  I do that often.  But… things that manifest from that, my “to do” items, take time and I recently uncovered another problem:  there are only 24 hours in each day! 

If this sounds like you, please keep reading and share your thoughts in the comments section.  I plan to post weekly on where I am mentally, physically, emotionally and everything in between.  In a sense, I guess I'm asking for your support and your insight.  (And man do I need it!)

If I could help one person escape the boredom and monotony and unfulfilledness and frustration that I am experiencing right now, my mission will be a success.  And in creating my coaching business, I aim to do that.  I keep reminding myself that it's OK to be unfulfillfed.  It's just NOT ok to stay there for too long.